Home » Ep 98: Gaining Confidence & Healing From Your Past

Ep 98: Gaining Confidence & Healing From Your Past

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All right, ladies, welcome to this episode of The she is extraordinary Podcast. I am with my good friend Sharon Hughes. Hey, Sharon. Hey, thank you so much, Judy. Or Sharon, I want you ladies to know that me and Sharon kind of girl crush on each other. When we first met on Instagram, I just loved what I saw her doing. And she she’s the one that first said it. No, she said it in a voice text through Instagram on dm. I thought out crushing on YouTube. But Karen is a faith based she’s a Christian confidence and self worth expert. And Coach. And I’m so excited for this episode, because confidence is something that we ladies need more of. Right, Sharon? Absolutely. And I hear it on every level, even the C suite. So don’t think that if you’re not in the C suite, and you look at people that are don’t think that they have it all together because they don’t. Amen.

That is so right. That is so right, everybody, it men and women, but especially since I focus on women, we’re gonna focus on like, I really would love to unwrap before we’re done here, Sharon, like why that is? I don’t know if you’ve ever studied like, what is it about women in the way we’re made up? Our any thoughts you may have on that. But first, I would love to chat about your book, it has been number one a couple of times on Amazon, the girl in the garage, three steps to letting go of your past. Can you tell us about kind of how the name came to be and what it’s all about?

Yeah, so the book it’s actually written in there’s there’s it’s broken out in three steps, more or less. And it’s also a workbook. So the first part is my story of what I overcame. And it’s written very pG 13. So if somebody on here grabs it and has had any kind of trauma, you’re I promise, you’re not going to be triggered by it. But the girl in the garage is really represents kind of a mindset, if you will, I had grown up with a lot of abuse. And it took place over about the first 20 years of my life. And it was from several people. And there was just all kinds of horrible things that happened to me, including being homeless, I was kicked out when I was 17. And nobody knew really what was going on within me.

Basically, whenever somebody has trauma, and you find out later people ask the question, Well, why didn’t you tell? Well, quite often, there isn’t any one safe to tell. So I had all this stuff going on. But when I was 16, I went to a Halloween costume party, and I was handed a drink. Now it’s important to tell you that I was handed a drink by a woman who was actually the sister of my date. And I didn’t really know my date very well. And he was an older boy. So you know where this is going. I remember going into the bathroom and thinking I am so tired, I can remember looking in the mirror at my costume and kind of adjusting it. And thinking I’m so tired, I just need to lay down and I laid down on the bathroom floor. Well, I woke up about seven hours later in a garage. And this is where the culmination of all these terrible experiences I’d had came to me that I was worthless that I had no value. I was here for someone’s taking. And because I went home and I staggered in about four in the morning, and my mother just looked at me She never asked me what happened.

I didn’t get any medical care or any kind of, you know, post trauma care or anything like that, that furthered the message to myself that I had no value. And I didn’t realize until years later, when I was really doing a lot of work on myself, I thought I am the girl in the garage. I am the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. And this mindset affected me really into my late 40s. I’m now in my mid 50s. But if you don’t deal with this stuff, and that’s the reason why I wrote this book is it will ruin your life and cause you so much pain. So that’s why the book is called the girl in the garage.

A powerful story I and I don’t even know the details, but I’m already like drawn in and want to read more. So I love that this is a workbook that you mentioned about three steps to let go of your past Can you talk about that and and is the workbook? Is it like question format like you’re taking the ladies through these steps. Mm hmm. Awesome. Yeah, it’s very much written like, here’s what was going on with me and I and I wrote it as if you and I were just sitting there. And I was telling you the story over coffee and I would say stop and see the pattern. Starting
Do you see what I’m doing? You see what people are doing to me. And here’s what I’m thinking, here’s my takeaways, and so that the reader can understand and relate to, oh, here’s the pattern taking place. No wonder you ended up where you were no wonder you believed what you did and didn’t get help.

So yes, and the three steps are, they’re really powerful is one, women need to realize you’re so much more powerful than you think. And not in an arrogant type of way. It’s just that so many people think they’re stuck, and that they don’t have power. So the first step is, is realizing that you have the power to choose. And I go into a lot of detail in the book, but I’ll just give you like the quick overview. The second step is, is really what if you’re not who you think you are, this is really what it all boils down to. About five or six years ago, I can remember I was really in the thick of doing the work on myself, and I was laying in bed in the morning, I woke up praying. And I remember just hearing the Lord, the Holy Spirit, say to me, what do you believe about yourself? And even though I had been in counseling, and no one had ever asked me that, and that was like the huge pivotal moment, and I was like, well, this is what I believe.
that triggered something within me to where I started taking that question, and even incorporating it into corporate training, which was so powerful. And I’ll touch on that in just a second. And the third step is, is realizing who would you be?

Or who could you be, if you stopped believing? Whatever you answered in part two of what you’re believing about yourself. And the first time I saw that work, in an audience forum, I was in a corporate training setting, and I was leading on a training on confidence. And I had everybody in the room, think of something that has held them back their whole life, like whatever that thing is, maybe it was a coach or a teacher that told you you were dumb, and you would never succeed. I said, Okay, get that in your mind, that thing that’s haunted you. Now, who would you be? If you weren’t that if you let go of it. And a lady sitting in the front row goes free, she did not even hesitate. And I was like, Whoa, I was so not prepared for that. And then about two weeks later, I did the same training with another group.

Two people in the room started to cry. One was a guy in about his mid 30s. And the other was a young gal in her early 20s. And I thought, Lord, I am really on to something when you start asking people who would you be if you weren’t what you think? Well, after that training, the guy came up to me and told me, he goes, I haven’t talked to my family in 10 years, and now I’m going to call them and I thought, this is so free, like, let’s go let’s go deeper. But that’s really the that’s three framework steps to letting go of your past.

That I mean, this is just this is gonna be I, I often say this, but this is gonna be a very popular episode, because it is it is going to hit the heart of everybody listening, there’s no doubt about it. Okay? So I love what you’re talking about, it kind of goes in with the core of me, which is go all in on who you are in Christ, and leave all this fleshly earthly crap
behind you, because God has much more for you, and so much bigger and better than we could even imagine. So Alright, so I’m intrigued now. So tell us about what you’ve done with this methodology, these three steps you mentioned that you taught in corporate training. So are you still doing corporate training? Or tell me a little bit about how you’re using this book, specifically, and your methodology today?

Yeah, well, the book is very faith based. There’s a lot of scripture in here and we go really deep into who God says you are. So of course, being in the corporate setting, I had to be very careful not to drop the Jesus card, but that’s how I prefer to teach it because you can go pretty darn deep, just being you know, without any kind of faith in it, of really getting into the nitty gritty of what you believe about yourself. But for somebody that’s, that’s hungry to know their Creator. It’s a whole different level. And one of the things in the very beginning of the book that I start a reader off with, and you can see, can you kind of see so this is someone that workbook and here is I have you right off right out.

Jeremiah 2911, but put your name in it. We love it. So Yeah, so it would be like this. Fear not for I have redeemed, Judy, I have called Judy by name, those types of things. Oh, that actually looks that references from Isaiah 4043, one and two, but I do have Jeremiah 2911, somewhere right in the front. Of course, I can’t find it now. But when you write out God’s promises, and you put your name in, and you write this out in your journal, and this is something I have my clients do is, is you want to read that out loud, or pray it over yourself morning and night until you really start believing that God is for you and not against you. And that’s, that’s really hard for a lot of people because so many people have grown up with, say, like an overbearing father. That was always, you know, oh, look at your grades, and You’re so dumb, and they’re just always browbeating you, people tend to think our Heavenly Father is like our earthly father, and it couldn’t be more different. So it’s a lot of that work of changing your mindset, and really creating new neural pathways around believing good about yourself and believing truth about yourself.

I love that, and, and what you just said, I really want to emphasize this success in life or business begins with your identity. And God gave me that download years ago, one of my more recent speaking appearances on a stage and, and at first, when he gave it to me, I said, what does that mean Lord, your identity, what you think about yourself is the beginning of what you’re going to do 100%, right, whether you’re going to get the guts to go live, even if you have wrinkles and tingles and all that stuff, right? Or if you’re going to plant smile and say, Oh, I don’t want to say, you know, I don’t want to go too deep on who I really am. Because people might not like me, you know, you have to be courageous as an entrepreneur.

So this mindset work. And this understanding of who you are, which really is your confidence is pivotal. So ladies listening, whether you’re going to take advantage of the girl in the garage, or I’m going to tell you how an awesome Academy that that Sharon has, if you want to take advantage of that, or whatever you’re doing this work cannot be skipped. If you want to be a thriving CEO, it simply cannot make sure that is absolutely true. And I’ll tell you when I started to realize that before going into the coaching arena, I had an international wholesale line of home decor, it was like tablecloths and pillows and stuff like that I could get so far.

But I couldn’t get further and I had showrooms, my product was going to Dubai, I had road reps, like across the whole country. I could not get further and and really this is this is no joke, you guys, I didn’t have a lack of confidence. Because I’ve done TV and radio like all these crazy things, fearlessly. I had a self worth issue. I didn’t think I deserved success, or the money that came along with selling my product line. I had magazine features and I would cry. And then I would think, but I don’t think I’ve worked hard enough for this. It really begs the question of, well, how hard Do I need to work? What’s hard enough? until I start thinking I deserve this? And why do I have to work so hard to where I’m, you know, up all night and sleeping five hours a night and running myself ragged. And I’ll never forget I was in my studio. I was designing for a new line. And I remember saying to God, I’m so tired. I am so exhausted. And he said, I haven’t called you to be overwhelmed. And it was like, it was crazy. I heard that voice as if he was standing in the room. And it made me actually look. And of course nobody was there. And I just thought that’s how he works.
I really I never thought of it like that Sharon, like confidence is one thing. But that’s not all of it, like wrapped up in confidence is this idea of worthiness.

You know, yeah. Am I am I enough? Mm hmm. You know, and Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I ambitious enough? Do I deserve it? Wow. So so how do we when we have this issue of whether it is brought on by our past, you know, childhood or men experiences, right, bad relationships? How do we heal from that? Oh, gosh, you know what, it’s the journey and what I am trying to research out and find is what is the fastest pathway
to getting all this stuff truly in your past and moving on, depending on what you’ve experienced, how long you have shoved it down, and how aware you are of what you’re shoving down is really going to have a lot to do with how long it takes you to overcome it. Plus, you need some time to process.

So I would say, I’ve been at this a good seven to 10 years. And I’m still discovering things about myself. It’s not like it’s a one and done. Like you just take a magic pill and it’s done. You have to be really committed to yourself and developing yourself. Just so that you can get to that next level, whatever it is that you want. And top leaders across the country know, they’re always learning, this is about always learning about yourself. Try not to view it as Okay, so I’m over that box of junk. Where’s the next box of junk, I’m so exhausted from dealing with this. Because if you start framing it that way, it’s going to be harder for you to do the work. And really look at this as it’s a gift. It’s a gift because you are now here in this place present and aware of what you’ve overcome. Thank God you have survived. I mean, if you’re still standing, you’re still breathing, you have survived. Thank you, God that you have. Okay, now let’s get let’s get healed so that you’re not triggered by stuff of the past.

So it’s hard to put a timeline on this, what you can do, if you’re trying to discover patterns in your life, you’re like, gosh, you know, I’m, I’m 30 or I’m 40, I’m 50. And nothing’s changing, you can get a piece of paper, get a long piece of paper or tape a couple together, draw a timeline, it starts the day you are born. And then it’s right here of where you are, and write out the year along your line, and what the episode or the trauma or the the belief is. And that gives you a more high level view where you can step back and go Okay, well, you know, this year this happened. And then three years later, this happened. And this works for women that have multiple divorces, you know, have maybe been abused, you get the high level view and you start going, Okay, what’s the common denominator here? So for me, even though I was a victim of a lot of people, the common denominator actually was me. Not that I was causing it, but it was just like, what is going on that this keeps happening? Because it started when I was young, I was just interested to people that should have protected me rather than exploit me. And it was just kind of like, okay, now I you, when you look at something that happened to you, when you were seven years old, and you’ve been carrying it around, and you’re like 45, and you’re still thinking, that’s what I am, you’ve got to be able to give yourself that grace and go, you were seven for crying out loud, you could not possibly be responsible for this.

So really helps you get very objective about what’s happening, where the story is coming from, and, and who really is accountable to all of the the giuk. And most of the time, you guys, it is not your girlfriend.
Wow, I’m just thinking I’m gonna I’m gonna be really real here. Okay, and I’ve said this before, but I’m just as you’re talking, it’s really bringing up some good stuff here. As a business person, as a lawyer can’t push me anymore. I know that I’m super confident. I know that I’m not perfect. But I know what I am. And it’s high value. me as a woman, not so much sister. I have had horrible relationships with men, and was beat by my first husband. And so when I think about that, and I had a great dad.

But there must have been something where because he was working all the time. We were poor. He wasn’t home much. I don’t know. I wonder if you know, this is making me thinking, you know, I was I seem to have always been looking for a man’s love. And in a way when I think about it now at 50 weeks shy of 55 I’m thinking I always wanted to find a man that loved me the way my daddy loved me.
Yeah, but nobody ever did.

Even my present husband, there’s disconnects there. And I could see where I jumped too soon or what I brushed under the rug things that were, you know, something that I should have explored more. So ladies, this is just really good. And even though it’s painful to think on these things, you know, we go to God with it and lay it at his feet say Jesus, this is though this is where I’m at Lord, I want to be all that you have for me. And I need you to help me deal with this. You know, so that’s just really good.

One thing that as you’re talking, this this cliche of fake it till you make it came up where it’s like, Okay, well, if I take action, I believe that will build my confidence. But it’s fake it till you make it a part of that I think not. But what are your thoughts? Oh, gosh, I think I resonate with what you’re saying so much because we’ve been told that. But at the same time, you know, there’s this call to be transparent, I think it can have an awful lot to do with what kind of an environment that you’re in, because some sit late, let’s say for the gal that’s still at the corporate job. If you’re not in a corporate environment, where leadership holds you up, believes the best in you and is trying to help you grow and develop to the next level where you can actually ask the questions and say, I don’t get this or I’m struggling in my role, you probably are going to have to put on your office face. Because it’s it’s hard to be transparent in that kind of environment. But then as a business person, if you own your own business, let’s face it, we can all look really, really good on social media. And it’s not like you want to go on social media and throw up all your stuff either because that’s a really big turnoff. It’s a fine line, I think that women especially really want to connect with other women. And you do such a good job with this, Judy, you’re so willing to say, this is working. But this isn’t, this is where I struggle, because let’s face it, it doesn’t matter. If you and I have millions of followers, there’s always going to be something to learn, there’s always going to be something about getting to that next level.

We could talk about fake followers and all that kind of stuff. It is vanity numbers. And for some reason, okay. And let me just stop right here. If you think that you need more followers to be validated, you’ve got it backwards, you need to believe in yourself and validate yourself. And then the followers will come because people can smell it, they can smell it, when you’ve got all the followers or the business, it looks perfect, but you are not relatable.
And I want to also mention that I talk a lot in the book about wearing the mask, like we put on a mask in order to survive. And it’s no different in the corporate world, the business world is in our personal relationships, you can say, Well, what mask Are you wearing in your business to look like you’ve got it all together. I’m the got it all together, girl. And everybody thinks that you do and you’re falling apart it you know, in your bathroom, in the shower, because you don’t want anybody to hear you crying. I’ve been there done that.

And it’s it comes at a cost. I think it’s really important that you have a group, a group that you can be accountable and raw with other women that are in the trenches. It’s just like Bernie Brown says, like, you know, if you’re not in the rain getting bloody, I don’t want to hear from you. Like we need that authenticity of saying, Okay, yeah, I am making six figures. I’ve worked down hard, but I’m still eating Cool. Well over the kitchen sink. I’ve done that too. Because you’re just like, what am I missing here? I cannot imagine that there is one woman listening, who is not tearing up, or very least feeling an emotional tug, because we’re just all in this together. And so we have those highs, but we have those lows. And, and one thing you mentioned earlier about going to Scripture, I think that’s so important. Because I’m not one of these affirmation girls who says, Look at yourself in the mirror and say, I’m amazing. I am beautiful. I am smart. I think instead that’s just like, that’s just like words that have no foundation. But instead if you say in Scripture, I am wonderfully made by Lord God Almighty. That’s powerful, right? Or, or even the scripture that says I am not made with a spirit of timidity or fear I am made in the spirit of power and all that. So that is, to me the strength of the affirmation to build yourself up in capital T truth. Yeah. And you can even like, if you like to go to the mirror, I actually do have clients do this, go to the mirror and say scripture over themselves. And it’s really hard to do. It’s so much easier to sit here and read it in your journal. But when you look at yourself and say, God loves me, like, there’s just something inside you that just goes Whoa.

Yeah, I just pictured myself doing it. And it would be hard. It would be hard because I packed on some weight and I talked about it quite often, even though I don’t do anything about it. But anyway, so I look at myself and I say, oh, why couldn’t I get more fat in my top pants? Oh my gosh, this is so good. Okay, so tell the ladies and Sharon did not
intend to do this, I’m doing this for her because I know that you have something called the confidence Academy. So I would love for you to give the ladies just a thumbnail sketch of what that’s all about. So confidence Academy is faith based personal development. So this is really for anyone, no matter what faith you practice, of course, I do reference the Bible, but it’s not. It’s not like a Bible study. It just has those nuances and biblical truths. But because I come from a corporate training background, there was so much leadership development, communication and personal development that I did, and I loved it so much. I was like, Okay, let’s, let’s put this into some kind of a membership so that women can come in, and they can get that kind of training and, you know, ask their questions, get a safe place, without being told, go pull their tarot card or go burn some sage in your house. I’m just saying so, so much of that around personal development, and it’s pretty darn woowoo.

You guys, if you’re Christian, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re like, I’m not into the crystals. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they know how I feel about it. I mean, really, it’s sometimes as Christians, we can be pulled in to what I what I think is, what’s the word I’m looking for? It’s anti God, you know, the crystals and the crap like that. Right? You’re either for God or against him, ain’t no in between. So I love that it’s, it’s faith based. And so these are issues of leadership, because he can’t How can you be a leader, even a servant leader, if you don’t feel confident? Yeah. Right. And how can you communicate effectively? If you’re thinking I’m worth nothing?

Right. Right. Yeah, we talked about, you know, leadership, blind spots, that was one of the the trainings I delivered to accompany to their C suite. And we were talking about leadership, blind spots. And really, you know, going back to the question, like I proposed in the beginning, as you know, what is it that you’re believing about yourself? Well, what you’re believing about yourself typically, can be projected onto your leadership of what you believe about other people, it can go two ways. If you’re believing that you’re a big fake, you’re probably going to believe that other people are big fakes. And it’s important when you’re a leader, that you’re giving people the benefit of the doubt about who they are. And, and the other thing is, is you can’t lead people that don’t trust you. So you have to be able to be vested in people and build that relationship. If you’re not, if you don’t know how to build that relationship, how to communicate you, or maybe you don’t even know how to be trustworthy. Those are things that we talk about, like, what does that mean? What does it mean to, you know, make decisions that are based in your values of honor and integrity, so that there’s a lot of layers to those trainings?

Sounds amazing. All right. So how about the last two questions? Are these number one? Where can the ladies hook up with you connect with you on social or find out more? So my website is Sharon Hughes. dotnet. And on Instagram, I’m at what is it? Sharon Hughes official forgot. Okay, shared use official on it stuff. Okay. That’s excellent. All right. The last question. missing. You know, the last question. This is called the seat is extraordinary podcast. So, I need you to share with these ladies an extraordinary woman in your life, and tell us what makes her extraordinary. Oh, gosh, you know what I would say it’s my daughter. She’s 34. She’s finishing nursing school. She just bought her first condo like, she has complete She has worked so hard to get where she is. And it’s exciting just to see a young woman pursue her dreams and attain it all on her own.

So exciting. Yeah, I know that there is so great, because my most proud thing accomplishment is mom to my three boys. So I totally get that. Well, Sharon, thank you so much for being here. Like I say, this is a powerful episode, and I just have a feeling. I have a feeling I may have you back. Or maybe we’ll do a workshop together or something because the ladies really need this. Oh, I’d be so honored. Thank you so much, Judy. Thank you again. All right. Ladies, listen, if you love this episode, we need to hear from you. So please take a moment, leave a rating and review. And as always, let us know. If you have an extraordinary woman you’d like me to interview here. So thank you again, and we’ll see you next time!

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