Home » Ep 82: Relationship Advice from a Christian Dating Coach Transcript

Ep 82: Relationship Advice from a Christian Dating Coach Transcript

All right, ladies. Welcome to another episode of The she is extraordinary podcast. I’m here with a new friend, Kalia Cooper. She is a faith based dating and relationship expert. And I happen to find her when I was doing some hash tag searches lately. And you know, relationships are so important, so I had to have her on the show. So let’s say hey to Kalia
Kalia. How are you?

Hey, I’m good. How are you? Good.
Good. I am so excited to have you on for 1000 reasons. Um, you may not know that I married my high school sweetheart way back in 1987, a long time ago. And, um, it wasn’t a good thing. It was domestic violence. And I got out within six months. So this whole issue of the importance of finding a good man and you know, I love your quote, I think this was a recent Instagram post. Many pray, Lord, send me a husband. But few pray, Lord, prepare me to be a wife. So with that, by way of background, I just love you to share a little bit about yourself and how you came to do this important work?

Yes, so um, the Lord really laid it on my heart at a young age to remain pure, because he let me know that I was going to kind of go into this ministry. Just a little bit, I didn’t really know how that was going to look like I just knew from a young age, the Lord let me know like, it was so important for me to stay pure. And so in that I ended up getting into a toxic relationship. In my teen years, and I ended up getting a emotional soul tie from that relationship. And I was so broken, and I wanted out, I still love God, but I knew I wasn’t where I should be. And so in my brokenness, the Lord gave me a heart, to help women to know their worth, to be able to know that they are deserving of nothing less than God’s best for their lives. And so in that the Lord helped me to become full. He worked on me and helped me to break that soul tie and in that the Lord position needs to be found by my now husband, who’s an amazing man of God.

So that’s a little beautiful story cumbia. So a couple things. I would first love to know how you met your husband. I’m sure it’s a god story.
Yes, so it’s so crazy. My husband and I grew up in church our whole entire lives together. And so he’s the pastor son, but the thing about it is, he’s five years older than me, but we never talked to each other. So crazy, like, we never talked to each other. And so the Lord was working on me. And at the same time, he was working on him as well. And one day, it was like the Lord showed me to him and a whole different light. And he was like, that is your wife. And it was like he sees me for the very first time. And I prayed to the Lord. And he revealed it to me as well a little bit after he started pursuing me. And so that’s kind of how that looked. And we were married within a year, got engaged after six months of being together, and then married six months after that.

Yeah, and this is so good. I have like a gajillion questions. So I’m trying to stay in your mind just to keep some semblance of whatever. Okay, I have three boys. And they’re men, 1921 and 23. And also raised to be pure. And it’s almost like, because my mom was divorced, I feel like they’re kind of gun shy. So maybe you would have been gun shy? Um, you know, with your toxic relationships. So can you tell the ladies let you know how, um, how did you go from that toxic relationship? To find, you know, your heart, your husband? I know, God had a huge hand. He is the one that brought you together. But, I mean, how was that we ready for him when God gave them to you.

Um, I feel like I was but in some sense, there were still some learning that I had to do. And so before that, I was in a very, I was in a place of hurt after this relationship. It was a situation where it was it was really hard to get out of, because there was that tie there with him. And so I would, I would go to leave and it was like I would, I would kind of get pulled back and so after ending that relationship, I, I literally had to cry out to God to heal me and make me whole because that I was so hurt, I was broken. But it was like, I did want to show that to other people. I was hiding that and it was kind of like I was in church and I was putting on one face.

But on the inside, it looks totally different than what people could really see. And it was a rough time in my life. But God pulled me through it. And after he pulled me out, I, I felt like a new person I was whole, I have my confidence back. And so it wasn’t easy, there was a lot of work that I had to do, there was a lot of healing that had to take place. But after that, that is when my husband was able to kind of see me in a different light because I was a different person.

Okay, and so and so can you take the ladies through a little bit of that healing process, because I have no doubt pelea that there will be some woman listening, who’s in the middle of that place where you were in a toxic relationship, wanting to get out trying to get out and not able to. So what would you say to her?

Yeah, I would say to her that she needs to truly get on her knees and cry out to God, what I did is I, I literally just sat before the Lord, I would get off of work. And I would turn on worship music. And I would pour my heart out to God, I would let him know the good, the bad, and the ugly. The things that I was scared to show other people, I would journal it out. And I really laid it at God’s feet. And I did a lot of crying. So it’s okay, if you need to shed some tears like this, that does not make you a weak person. It can definitely be between you and God. But definitely let out those feelings. Don’t let them allow to fester within you. Because that is only going to create more bitterness on the inside of you. And so you pray that the Lord would help you to heal and make you whole.

And then you just keep you keep moving forward. Because at times, you are going to want to go back to what’s comfortable, because it was comfortable. And in this healing process, it’s not going to be comfortable, it’s going to be pretty painful. At first, it’s going to be pretty painful. But on the other side, there is so much healing, there’s so much joy. And there’s so many other people, for you to be able to help through your story.
I love that. And so I read on your website that you know kind of your reason for doing what you do, or how you do it. You help women, Christian women become whole, walk boldly in their purpose, and prepare for that chain breaking epic marriage that God has for us. So I just love all that verbiage because it really paints a picture of the amazing thing that God wants to give us. But we’ve got to be ready first, right? And so, but I guess I’m thinking like, when I was in that bad place.

And I remember when I came out of that I’m like, Oh my god, it’s true, what they say. Like, everything looks clearer when you’re out of that abusive provider situation and abusive relationship and the food tastes better and all that. So, um, I guess I guess, I guess I would love to kind of encourage the woman that’s listening, that is on that still on back on that bad side. And what you’ve said is all really great. But what does she do in that down moment is the best thing she could do. Just get on her knees?

Yeah, I, I would say cry out to God. But also you can, you can also do things that make you feel good. So one thing that I did was I would go on, I take myself out on dates, and like, Oh, you know, lonely or, like you want to go back like, do do something nice for yourself. take yourself out to eat and get comfortable being alone and it’s going to help you to feel more confident. And really kind of get out of that rut, go go do something nice for someone else. I would help people out at nursing homes. I love helping the elderly. And so I would do things like that. You can serve at a soup kitchen, you can just serve other people and it’s really when you when you bless the right away from yourself.

There’s so much joy in that it takes your mind off of feeling sorry for yourself when you really reach out towards others. So don’t allow yourself just to be cooped up, you know, I’m always alone, like Reach, reach out to somebody else. Go and hang out with some friends. Do something that makes you feel good. Go go for a walk exercise. Just do something and it’s going to help take your mind off of that when you want to go back to that.

Yeah, that’s so true. The isolation, the enemy loves to get us alone. And then he could, it’s horrible thoughts. And you know, it’s comfortable to go back to that relationship, even when it’s not good. Um, and, and sometimes you’re not going to want to do anything. So you really have to say, okay, that says, I shouldn’t be alone. So I got to go out. So I love that advice. That is really, really good. Um, what about this idea of keeping it to yourself, because I know when I was being beaten, basically, even my twin sister did not know what was going on. I was ashamed that it was going on. You know, and it took me years to realize it wasn’t my fault. You know, we go through these these stages. But what what would you What would you say to that?

I would say like you don’t, you don’t necessarily have to go through things alone. The one thing that I did is I would my mother, she’s a God fearing woman. But I was able to talk to her about things, and she wouldn’t judge me. I would tell her about what I was going through in the relationship and things like that. And she really encouraged me didn’t judge me. And so you can find someone that you trust, and you don’t have to. You don’t have to suffer in silence. You don’t have to go through that alone. And like you said, like you said, it wasn’t it wasn’t your fault. And when those things happen, and that abuse takes place, it’s kind of like you can feel like, they’re like, this is my fault, there must be something wrong with me. And that’s how the enemy will try to make you feel like there’s something wrong with me, like, I Gosh, like, it’s embarrassing, you know, to tell somebody else because there’s something wrong with me.

And that is a lie from the enemy. There’s, there’s nothing wrong with you, you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. And it’s okay. And once you once you speak out, like the word says we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. So and, you know, overcoming by the blood of the lamb and the word of your testimony and saying, like, this is what I’m going through. And I feel like you can get clarity in that from somebody else from a good trusted figure. That Okay, okay, love. Like, this is not this is not healthy, you know, like this, you are you are more than that. And you can kind of get that encouragement when you actually open up.

Yeah, cuz once it happened, once I decided to leave, and I told everyone, and it was really okay. I was I would just build that up in my own mind. All right, so how about those girls that are listening, more college age, kind of like, you know, where you were, you know, in their early 20s. And you’re thinking, Oh, I feel my biological clock ticking and you’re feeling that pressure. Because I know, growing up, you know, grandmas and aunts, they’re always saying, Oh, you don’t have anybody, sweetheart, and it makes you again, feel like wait a minute, should I be? So what do you say to someone who’s not a relationship? She’s kind of sort of open to it. But she’s trying not to push it and just wait for God’s timing? How does she handle that phase in her life?

Yeah, I would say that she needs to, she needs to become confident and where God has her at, and you have to really be able to become sure yourself with where you are. Because it can be hard, like, you know, see your your family saying like, you know, when when is this going to happen for you, I, I see it all the time. And I’ve even experienced that myself, like, you know, you know, you’re like you said, your clock is ticking, like you need to have a man. But the fact of it is, is that a relationship does not make you more worthy. And so you have to become confident in the fact that whether I have a man or don’t have them in my worth, and my value is still the same. I am so valuable to God, that He wants to save me for his absolute best.

And so you have to become confident in your worth and value that God has given you. Because when you are sure of yourself in that kind of way, you are not going to waver because you know that you are deserving of only God’s best and a relationship does not make or break who you are.
In Christ, it is not in relationship with a man that is for short for many, many years to get that but that is a beautiful thing. Um, well, let me ask you this. You mentioned earlier before we actually sat down for this call, it’s important to rise up and stop settling for less and we’ve been kind of, you know, touching that a little bit but I want to go deeper on that. Sometimes it’s hard to know if someone we really like and think we love like if he could be the one you know, am I hearing from God? That is is the one, you know, or you know, so how do you how do you? How do you help women to kind of see that through? Mm hmm.

So I always say is there is there peace in the relationship, because anything that God is in, there’s going to be peace in. And I kind of feel like sometimes we get ourselves into things. And it’s like, we want it so bad, it seems like it, it could be it because it’s, it’s not terrible, but it’s not, you know, all that we could want and desire. And so, because of us feeling like we don’t deserve more, I’ve seen a lot of women, and even myself, try to trick themselves like, okay, like, this could be it, maybe this is it. But you know, for a fact that in the back of your mind, there’s something telling you like, there is not this is not it, there’s not peace.

And so it’s like you have to know and that God desires to give you his absolute best, because he loves you so much. And it’s like, um, I’ll save for an instance that I went through, I, there was a guy that I was talking to, that he had everything, you know, down good on paper, but I wasn’t attracted to him. And so I felt like I had to settle in that area, because God didn’t want me to. God didn’t want me to be attracted to who I was going to be with. And God was like, No, I decided to I desire to give you my absolute best, you don’t have to settle in any single area. And so God wants to give you his best. And you have to have faith that he is going to do that. Because he will he gives us children good gifts.

So So could you tell the ladies listening? How do you work with clients? I mean, I just got to get go. I’m thinking when I was younger, I had this vision of my ideal guy, and it was physical. And I will say that before I came to the Lord for them, and I went to church, but I didn’t really know Jesus until my late 30s 40s. So for me, it was like the list, you know, he was six feet one blonde, smart, you know, like, how do you work with your clients?

Yeah, so I work with them by I have a signature six week program, and I help them to be able to be properly positioned to be found. But before you can do that, you need to become whole. I help them to break any soul ties that they may have, that they may know about or not know about. And I help them to walk confidently in their season with joy and confidence and really to understand that they are the prize.
Oh, I love that.

You are that prize. And there’s a Bible verse. It says that right? When you have a wife, you It’s very good. You get exactly what the verbiage is. But you mentioned something a couple of times. And I think it’s important that we unpack it. So we know what you’re talking about. You mentioned soul tie, like a soul tie, can you help us understand what that means?

Yes. So basically, it is when your soul kind of becomes inter woven with someone else. And it can happen from an emotional soul tie is kind of like we see that in the Bible with Jonathan and David, if you go back and look at that verse, that’s a godly soul tie that they had together. And then there are soul ties that you can get from having sex with someone, which is when the two become one flesh. And so the Bible also talks about that when to become married. And then also we can see that when, when it is said that when you sleep with a prostitute, you become one with them. And so that is where your soul becomes intertwined. And so that can happen. And it’s like you are tied to that person. And so what happens with a soul tie is you start to take on their traits.

And so like, if they have a very negative mindset, like you start to develop a negative mindset, and you take on all those things from them. And so it’s important to get that broken, to get that broken. So you are not it’s essentially like you are carrying that person with you. Kind of like an invisible strand.

Gotcha. So, so how is it that we get rid of this soul tie is it is a lot of mind work? I guess that’s what it is. Right? or?
Yeah, it takes prayer and fasting, and I’m blocking that person out of your life. I know I had to block the man that I had a soul tie with. And I really had to pray to God, and you believe that it is broken in the name of Jesus and He will heal you it healing from it is so amazing. But really just praying, fasting and seeking God to break it. It’s not something that has to take a very long time. If you just let the Lord know I mean, of course, he already knows like, I have this and I need it broken or can you break this and you cut communication with that person.

All right, so, all right, I have a question for you now. I’m getting serious. Now I’m picking up all these things. My niece is How old is she now? 23. And she actually lives with, you know, her parents. But she would love all her friends have boyfriends or they’re getting married. And she’s having a hard time finding somebody, she loves the Lord. She’s trying to you know, she is poor. So what would be your best advice for her? As far as you know? Sometimes you like, Okay, put yourself out there maybe on online or go places when we’re not in COVID? But it’s not the right thing to do.
I believe that you, you need to first become whole in yourself and understand where where is your mind? Where’s your mind? Are you are you discontent? Do you want a relationship?

That’s just just because you’re discontent? And so what are your motives? for going on that online dating app? Are you going on there? Because out of fear? Or did the Lord tell you to do that? And so it’s important to hear God’s voice because he’s going to give you the proper instructions on what you need to do to move closer to that marriage. But I would, I would tell any woman that is in that place to think about what are my motives? Am I idolizing marriage, because I feel like if you are idolizing a relationship, if you are comparing what somebody else has, versus what you don’t have, then your mind is not in the proper place to be able to be in a relationship. And so you want to get your mindset on the right things you can desire marriage, I believe that that is a godly desire.

And there’s nothing wrong with desiring it. But you need to know where where is my mind and my operating out of fear, am I operating out of faith. And that’s really, really, I mean, I don’t know how old you are. But you look like obviously, you’re young enough to be my daughter, but I’m hearing such Godly wisdom. And there’s a piece about your voice, that I just know, God’s all over it. So this is just like, pray all praise to the Lord Jesus Christ to who has written you up to do the important work that you’re doing. It is so important. Because you know, I believe that every family has some element of dysfunction, some worse than others.

And so I love what you’re saying about Don’t worry, and don’t act from fear, right? I’m a business coach, I always tell my ladies do not act from fear. That’s not a good thing. But in the way of relationships, just being good with who you are in Christ, and being made whole. And being satisfied with that. I think that’s I as a 54 year old woman, I love that. But I think it’s tough to, to walk out there’s like a 20 something. So So when when someone comes to you in that place, saying, holy, I really want to do this the right way. But gosh, how do I deal with that pressure? I mean, are there tangible exercises, besides the all important thing of going, going to God? Anything that we haven’t talked about that would be helpful in that regard?

Yes, I would say surround yourself around like minded women. Surround yourself around like minded women, there are tons of Facebook groups out there that women have are going towards the same goal. There’s tons of different communities that you can join, that are aligned with waiting on God and doing things the right way. And just surrounding yourself around that community. Because who you have speaking in your life is so important. And so if you are constantly hearing, oh my gosh, like why hasn’t this happened for you yet? You just need to settle. You know, why haven’t we settled yet? That guy was really nice over there.

But you turned him down. You know, it’s important to, to have community we’re not in this alone. God didn’t mean for us to be in this alone. And so it’s like surround yourself, go out there and find a like minded community for you to plug into. So that when you are feeling down when you are hearing those negative voices, you can be poured into and say, Hey, sisters, I am going through this, I need some help. And they will pour that courage into you. And for encouragement. Yes. And again.

I’ve made us you know, to come together. And when we’re alone, that’s I think when we get into big, big trouble. Well, I am so behind your work. And after speaking with you here, I’m just so I gotta tell you, I’m like a huge fan. I’m a big fan. So why don’t you tell the ladies if you would about your new program, I saw that. Ready to be repealed. I would just love you to tell the ladies what They can expect inside that important program.
Yes. So you can expect to be surrounded by a community of like minded women, like we just talked about, because I recently opened up my group program. So I launch it as a group program. And then I work with women woman is one on one as well. And so you can expect to become a woman who is rooted in the Lord because I believe that he is our foundation. And so if your foundation is Rocky, everything else in your life is going to be rocky as well. And so we work on that we build up your confidence so that you are not wavering or settling for less. And we work on breaking those soul ties, and helping you to prepare to be found by the man that God has for you.

And in order to do that, you need to be properly positioned. And the purpose of this program is to help women to be prepared to have a life changing chain breaking marriage, because God desires to do so much with the family unit. I believe that there’s purpose and being single, and there’s a purpose behind being married as well. And both are equally important. Neither is greater than the other. And so that is what I help women to do.

Wow, such important work. Well, I have two questions for you. Now. I can’t believe I’m quickly. So where can the ladies find you online? Mm hmm. Yes, you can find me at Kalia cooper.com. And my Instagram, which is at Kalia Cooper.
Excellent. Like I say, I’m a huge, huge fan. All right, last question. This is the she is extraordinary podcast. And so I like to end my interviews asking my guests. Tell us about an extraordinary woman in your life and what makes her extraordinary?

Yeah, I would say my great grandmother, she is a godly woman. And her faith is what makes her extraordinary. She’s watched God perform so many miracles in her life. And I love hearing your stories. And she is a bold, confident woman and God. And she’s made the impact on me to want to help other women. And so she’s an extraordinary woman in my life.

And thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it. Yes, thank you. All right. Ladies, if you’d love this episode, please take the time to leave a rating and review. We really appreciate your feedback. All right, we’ll see you next time.

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